I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
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[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
This is hilarious….
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I’d … I’d rather not.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Hell yeah 👍
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom