Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.