“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
You Might Also Like
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.