My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
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Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.