If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I’m giving up ice.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.