ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?