If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Not my job 😂
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE