My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.