Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.