Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.