me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Traveler’s camo
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”