I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Thursday
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My safe word is Worcestershire
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.