You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
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My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog