Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
You Might Also Like
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits