[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Sharon I have some bad news
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
😲 WTF? 😆
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
#Caturday
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
when you are just born a rebel
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.