*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.