Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
i hate you platonically
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis