Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
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In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Try and stop me.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I unironically love this joke.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”