dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Did I do this right
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.