Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?