I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Don’t snitch tag.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.