North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
the saddest jazz hands ever
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?