My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
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Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
#ProTip
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me