HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
You Might Also Like
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.