This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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This is I, Robot all over again
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster