socratic questions
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am