I’m having an out of money experience.
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!