If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
You Might Also Like
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.