“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
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First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.