Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
You Might Also Like
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I’m putting together a team
Lol
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef