Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
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*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?