It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Mmmm canned fish.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU