WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
She: I like Cats
He:
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.