Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
accurate
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓