when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no