[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
me hooking up with my ex
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY