A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.