I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse