AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I WON A HAM TODAY
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.