“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
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If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation