If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Love is always patient and kind.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
absolutely not
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?