I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
You Might Also Like
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Why is this me 😫
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
don’t we all
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.