Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
how was your vacation
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Need this in my life lol
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!