What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
You Might Also Like
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Huge, if true.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
same vibe as tangled headphones
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.