Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
You Might Also Like
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me: