“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me when I see my crush
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.