Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Natural selection at its finest
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.