My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”