I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
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Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”