dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
LMAO.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!